Imposter Boxer

Am I Meant to Box in Creator Clash?

I have only ever watched a handful of YouTubers consistently since I gained unlimited access to the internet at the age of 10. It all started when I was gifted an Xbox 360 in 2011. Soon after, I started to venture down the YouTube rabbit hole of video game content. I first fell in love with Rooster Teeth and Achievement Hunter; soon after I started watching Pewdiepie. I knew even then that someday I would do what those goofballs were doing. I wanted to be a dumbass on the internet too!

Somewhere around 2017, I found him. One of the biggest dumbasses I’d seen to date on YouTube. He slung slurs and bodily fluids around like it was nobody’s business.

iDubbbz.

Jump forward to 2021 I was making League of Legends TikToks every day. Sun up to sun down I was in my first internet grind era. While I was hanging out with my friend Sarah she mentioned that she had noticed iDubbbz's fiancé was following me. WHAT?!? HUH??? I snatched my phone and sure as shit she was!

Anisa!

Wow! It was the first time in my career that I felt recognized by an idol of mine in a way. I would later learn that Anisa was an OG League girl on Twitch and that she (thankfully, omg) enjoyed my little League videos. The gears were starting to turn. In 2022, Ian and Anisa would go on to host their first-ever boxing event, Creator Clash. I remember watching with my friends and ogling at the production of it all. No way my favorite squirrel-obsessed internet weirdos put on something so incredible!

Later that same year, the Creator Clash Twitter account put out a call. They were looking for women who wanted to step into the ring for Creator Clash 2. I replied and said that I would love to help out in any way I could. A few hours later, a message popped up in my inbox. It was Anisa.

“How much do you weigh?”

OPE OPE OPE

OPE

OH GOODNESS

I caught my bearings and replied. The rest is history.

Throughout Creator Clash 2, I was highly aware of the fact that I was statistically the smallest creator on the card. I am hypocritical when it comes to numbers. I always tell creators asking for advice not to focus on their stats too much, but I am guilty of hyper-fixating on mine sometimes. I think every human who relies on numbers probably obsesses over them at some point. When the fight card dropped in February 2023, it was hard not to focus on the “Who even are these people?” comments. Even more so after the event when iDubbbz announced that due to immense pirating, pathetic internet drama, and overall lack of promotion Creator Clash 2 had lost money.

There were Twitter essays, YouTube videos, and streamers all analyzing every little way Creator Clash 2 failed. One after another, constant reporting on how iDubbbz and his team were a bunch of losers. I think a lot of people contributed to the net loss of CC2. There are slimy people on the internet, and it truly is eat or be eaten out here. Thankfully, the people who jeopardized the event haven’t been relevant since. Still, it was hard to face the constant brigading day in and day out, and it wasn’t even directed at me! I was just catching strays; I guess it was easier to blame someone you didn’t know being on the card instead of blaming literal nazis and misogynistic freaks.

The internet is big. If you think you know about everything going on online, you don’t. The streamer bubble is one thing, and it’s kinda small because there are so few at the very tippy top, but the YouTuber bubble has been growing and changing for such a long time. These are things I’ve been trying to remember when I am too hard on myself. The internet is large, and yet I have still staked out my own space to create successfully. Still, imposter syndrome is a hell of a drug in the internet world and the entertainment world in general. Mix that in with the fact I was one of the youngest people fighting, and sometimes it all became a bit too much.

Why am I here?

I am taking the spot of someone who could pull more of an audience to the event.

I’m not doing enough I’m not being entertaining enough.

I am one of the reasons we lost money.

These are the kind of thoughts that ran through my head daily while I trained for Creator Clash and many months after. This mindset took a long time for me to get over, and it was something I was scared of returning to when talks of Creator Clash 3 started popping up.

I guess I wanted to write these feelings out so that maybe people don’t think I’m oblivious. Most of the relationships between fighters and events are that the fighter brings the numbers to the event, but for me, it’s the other way around. At least it was for Creator Clash 2, but now I know I’ve proven myself. I not only stepped in the ring, I put my entire heart and ass and galls (girl balls) into it. I put more effort into my training and my promotion than anything I’ve ever done before. I was the heart of Creator Clash, and it took so long for me to realize that that was enough.

Another side of my creative career that really helped me through my imposter syndrome was my community. For 3 years straight, I built up an incredible discord community. The Jae Brigade has artists, gamers, movie lovers, musicians, pet parents, cooks, and so many more sweet, kind, supportive, loving people. They are my rock. My community is my anchor when I am in the stars, being a boxer or a TikToker or a writer or cosplayer, whatever I set my mind to, they are there for me. I am so lucky. I could not ask for a better group of humans to be cheering me on through all of this.

It has been a pleasure to grow with iDubbbz. I was on the cusp of the alt-right pipeline in 2017, and looking back, I can’t believe that. Some people hate change so much, even when someone they don’t even know changes. In boxing, change is necessary. You have to change your diet, your routines, your mindset, and your attitude. Change is good. I have grown and changed so much since finding some of my favorite internet creators, and it’s an honor that I’ve been able to grow and change within such proximity to some of those people.

I am so thankful that Ian and Anisa have given me this opportunity to fall in love with boxing and learn more about who I am as a person and a creator.

For those of you who don’t know, I am Jaelaray, I make stupid little TikToks, I have the best community in the whole world, and I am going to KICK MAJOR ASS AT CREATOR CLASH 3!

Thanks for reading <3